What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:54
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do wives cheat with black guys?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She married twice! .
I said to her
But it wasn’t much.
It was going to be , some day.
If an abortion doesn’t affect you, why do people make it a big deal?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
She found it foreign!.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
How do I overcome attachment issues?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why did i forgive my father ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
All the time i was locked up.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was very sick at this time too.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was seconnd youngest,
She wouldn,t have been !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He knew the spot.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
I was 9 years of age.
But, we were locked up after school.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was scared of men, in general
I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What did i know ?
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I will be 64.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is soul school!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!